As Unicorns Do
by Ms-RadiantRose
Summary: MacGyver's boss, Pete, has finally given him some time off. All Mac has to do is look after a small child for a couple of weeks. But the child's taste in TV programmes results in Mac having some extremely peculiar dreams ... which may have a deeper meaning.


MacGyver was tired. Really, really tired. He had saved the world, a lot, and that is tiring. So when he had volunteered to help his friend Lisa-Kate by babysitting her young son every day for a couple of weeks, Pete had kindly given him three weeks off work.

Lisa-Kate was very excited at the prospect of going abroad for a conference. "You'll be staying here, in the spare room," she told Mac. "But I have my sisters and some of my friends popping in to take over from you - here's the schedule. It's got their phone numbers in case they don't turn up on time."

A fortnight of nothing but a spot of babysitting. How hard could that be?

Quite hard, he found out on the first day, because children are tiring. After a few hours, Mac was relieved when young Billy made a beeline for the TV. The kid even knew which channel he wanted to watch.

But it wasn't quite showing the type of programme Mac expected. "Huh? 'My Little Pony'?"

"No."

"No?"

"Its name is 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic'," Billy corrected him. "It's the reboot. Not all reboots are terrible."

Mac was about to say, "But that's for girls. It's quite clearly for girls." However, he stopped himself just in time. "That's got a really annoying theme song," he said.

Billy ignored him.

"I love kids," said Mac, as he decided to rest his eyes.

The next he knew, he was feeling sleepy and confused. And in mild pain. He looked around. He seemed to be in a dark forest. Perhaps more alarmingly, a yellow pony appeared to be reprimanding an unknown assailant and a small white rabbit seemed to be kicking stones in the direction of the same assailant.

He looked in the direction of the assailant, decided he was hallucinating and shut his eyes again. Then he heard a voice. "Can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?"

He opened his eyes.

The yellow pony was bending over him. She had a very sweet, feminine voice and her mane was long and pink. He wondered why she was talking rather than neighing.

"Oh good," she said. "You're responding to voice commands. I think we should still fetch Zecora, though."

He had no idea what she meant.

The white bunny tugged at Mac's beard (beard? Mac distinctly remembered having shaved that morning, or the one before). The pony was disapproving. "Angel, he's responding to my voice. You don't need to check to see if he feels pain."

The bunny was named Angel? Or was it a nickname?

"I'm Fluttershy," the pony said. She then asked Mac various questions about his health and how he had ended up in the forest. He told her that he had no idea and that, apart from confusion and a mild amount of pain in one ankle, he felt fine.

"Are you one of Iron Will's employees?" she asked.

"I have no idea who that is," he replied.

Fluttershy blushed. "I'm sorry, there aren't many goats around here. I didn't intend to stereotype anygoat, but I thought you might be one of the goats who works for Will."

Goats?

"I am not a goat," he bleated.

"I'm almost certain that you are a goat," said Fluttershy, politely. "Unless you're a changeling." She produced a mirror.

A goat looked back at him.

"Oh, boy!" muttered Mac, wondering if he was there for putting things right, that once went wrong.

He decided that probably was not the case.

And then a zebra turned up. A zebra wearing gold earrings, a gold necklace and gold bracelets. Apparently, the white rabbit had fetched her.

"This is a dream," thought Mac. "A very, very vivid dream." The forest not only looked like a forest, it smelled of damp leaves. It was quite damp. He sneezed. He tried to pinch himself, but his hands did not appear to be working normally.

He couldn't really understand what the zebra or the rabbit were trying to communicate. The zebra had a beautiful, melifluous voice, but he didn't understand her language. The rabbit appeared to be communicating in some form of sign language, but Mac could not make head nor fluffy-tail of it.

Only Fluttershy made sense. Dear, kind Fluttershy who had scared away the hideous, malodorous monster and who was now talking about taking him home with her. "I'm very relieved to find out that he's not a changeling," she said to the zebra.

He had no idea how the zebra was managing to hold the torch that she was shining into each of his eyes in turn, but somehow she was. She seemed satisfied with her findings. Fluttershy said to the zebra, "I will take him to the veterinary hospital if any of those signs or symptoms develop. I promise. But he doesn't seem to have hit his head and I think the best thing would be if I just took him home."

The zebra nodded. She handed (handed? gave?) Fluttershy a glass bottle of something that Mac assumed must be some kind of medicine. Then she walked away.

"I am a goat," Mac thought. "One day, I may marry another goat and we will have kids. I will be great with kids. Although I quite enjoyed being human."

The three of them walked slowly through the dark woods to Fluttershy's cottage. "You were about to be attacked by timber wolves," explained Fluttershy.

"I like wolves," said Mac.

"Well, yes, forest wolves are lovely. But these are timberwolves. They're scary and, almost worse, they have terribly stinky breath. They used to just turn up at Zap Apple Jam time and then sort of disappear. But now they've taken over the whole of the Everfree Forest and the poor forest wolves are in exile. Nobody quite knows why this has happened. We're nearly home now, and then I'll be able to have a proper look at your ankle."

"You have wings!" Mac had suddenly noticed something even more peculiar.

"I am a pegasus." Fluttershy seemed to think this explanation was satisfactory.

"I have medical insurance," Mac told Fluttershy. "In case you need to take me to the hospital. It is organised through my employer, the Phoenix Foundation."

Fluttershy said something he didn't understand. Then she and Angel both appeared to be laughing. In fact, Angel appeared to be rolling on the floor laughing. "We're sorry," said Fluttershy. "We weren't laughing at you. We once had a very funny incident with a phoenix. It wasn't funny at the time, but it was afterwards. Anyway, you won't need health insurance if you have an emergency."

"This is Canada?"

Fluttershy looked confused. "I'm sorry. I have no idea where that is. This is Equestria."

"My name is Mac," he said.

"My friend Applejack's brother is also named Mac," she said. "It's short for Big McIntosh."

Was it his imagination, or did Fluttershy seem to blush slightly when she mentioned the other Mac?

"I'm quite big too," said Mac. "When I'm not being a goat."

MacGyver woke up, in the real world. He had fallen asleep in front of the television. As simple as that. Billy had stopped watching cartoon ponies and was busily putting brightly coloured slides into Mac's hair.

"Okay. Let's get you something to eat. Maybe pasta." He removed one of the hairslides, being very careful not to get any hair trapped in it. "You know, us guys don't have to wear stuff like this to look good."

Billy looked straight at him.

"Nobody has to wear them to look good. Guys don't and nor do ladies or girls. They're for fun."

"I like fun," said Mac. "Do you like table hockey?"

They ate the pasta. Billy complained because the pasta sauce contained vegetables. Mac stated that he had grown up big and strong because he had eaten his vegetables. It wasn't the whole truth, but he reckoned it was near enough. "You don't want to get scurvy, do you?" he asked. Billy didn't, and he ate up. After dessert, they cleared up and then played table hockey until they were tired.

That night, Mac found himself back at the same cottage. He was still in the form of a goat, being ministered to by "Nurse Fluttershy". "I'm not actually a real nurse," she explained. "But I have been learning about first aid and nursing ever since my experience with the phoenix whom I mentioned. I made a lot of mistakes with her. Now, try and get some rest."

He shut his eyes. Soon, a tall pony arrived. She had both wings and a unicorn-style horn. She was decidedly not pastel: she was resplendent in royal blue and regal purple. She bore a moon cutie mark. She announced that she was Princess Luna.

"This is just a dream, isn't it?" Mac appeared to be communicating with her via telepathy.

"Yes and no." Her voice was gentle yet utterly confident. Her luscious dark mane seemed to flow in the breeze, and yet there was no breeze.

"Huh?"

"The universe is very complicated," she said (or thought). "There is danger that lies ahead of you. There are lessons that you must learn if you wish to stay safe. And you must learn them here."

"Here? Here in Ponyville?"

"You couldn't learn them in Sunnydale," she reminded him.

"Really? I liked Buffy. A lot."

Luna smiled. "I know. You certainly had some interesting dreams about her for a long time afterwards. But it didn't work. You kept telling Buffy not to stake the vampires."

"Yes, but here, among cute pink and purple ponies?"

Luna smiled. "I have one piece of advice. Don't underestimate anypony."

"Hang on ... what did you say before? That the universe is trying to protect me?" he asked.

"You've literally dodged a lot of bullets," Luna said. "The bullets that did hit you didn't cause any serious damage. You've defused many bombs, escaped many traps and survived a lot of extremely difficult situations. You could have died over a hundred times and yet you've escaped almost intact. Could that have happened by mere chance?"

She smiled, challenging him. "Do you really believe that?"

And she flew away, towards a moon. _The_ moon? _A_ moon? Mac made a note to ask Fluttershy how many moons there were in Equestria.

But then Fluttershy woke him up, announcing the arrival of Princess Twilight. The princess was accompanied by a small dragon named Spike.

Angel and Spike. Those names sounded familiar to Mac.

Twilight looked at him and said something that Fluttershy translated as:

"You're not really a goat, are you?"

Finally, Mac thought, a pony who understands. He had realised that he was not there to change caprine history for the better. Goats were not oppressed in Equestria, although those employed by Iron Will could perhaps benefit from finding out more about their rights at work. Perhaps Fluttershy could teach them the true meaning of assertiveness?

"You're not a changeling, either. Zecora checked for that. You are a pony who is under a spell."

There were advantages to being a pony, according to Fluttershy's interpretation of what Twilight was saying. All the other ponies, except young foals, would understand what he was saying. As would yaks, dragons, griffins, cows and sheep, although not pigs, bears or birds.

Until she undid the spell, Twilight explained, she had no way of knowing whether Mac was an Earth pony, a pegasus or a unicorn. He would not, she added, turn out to have both wings and a horn (unlike her and Luna). Mac said he hoped he would turn out to be a pegasus. The thought of being able to fly appealed greatly.

"Hmm," said Twilight. "If you aren't a pegasus, I do have a spell that could give you temporary wings. And Pinkie will probably be happy to give you a ride in her hot air balloon."

"About that spell ..."

"It won't be easy," Twilight said. "I will need Zecora's help, maybe Princess Celestia will have to be involved. But the good thing is that you will have the ability to turn back into a goat at will."

He woke up, abruptly. "Ponies ruled by unelected princesses? That's just too ridiculous. And highly undemocratic."

He wondered why he wasn't having his usual dreams. Most of which involved rescuing women from danger. The women often wished to reward him, and he felt it would be rude not to accept.

A few of his dreams involved being rescued by women, and he wanted to reward them. They were generally very pleased to accept.

"Are you awake yet?" yelled Billy. Mac stopped thinking about women and started making plans to go to the park after breakfast.

The following night, Mac dreamed that he was introduced to Applejack. (Fluttershy, of course, had to act as interpreter.) "Your family makes a living taking apples to town and selling them?" Mac asked.

"That is one of our family's sources of income," said Applejack.

"That's what my parents and grandparents used to do also."

"That's a mighty powerful coincidence," said Applejack. "We might be related. Were any of your other kinfolk rock farmers?"

"Rock what? I find geology interesting, but I can't say I've ever met any rock farmers before."

"Okay, spell time," said Applejack. "Drink this. It's the potion Luna and Twilight and Zecora mixed up, but they said I could add a bit of apple cider to make it taste real nice. You may feel a little bit woozy at first, but it will wear off."

"Oh, and there's a bonus," added Twilight. "If you ever need to turn back into a goat, just say the magic words 'nice dream' out loud and you'll turn back for as long as you need to be a goat."

"Who would need to be a goat?" asked Mac, and gulped down the potion.

Woozy was right. But Mac didn't find the experience unpleasant. He felt himself becoming taller.

"You're almost as big as Big Mac," said Fluttershy. Was it his imagination, or was she blushing? "We may have to call you Little Mac, though."

(The storyteller, however, will repeatedly refer to MacGyver as "Mac" during this story. This should not lead to confusion as, spoiler alert, Big McIntosh does not appear.)

Applejack appeared to be inspecting Mac's flank area. "What the hay is that?"

Oh-oh. Were things about to get awkward?

"It's some tool."

"Um." Mac blushed bright red. He also realised that he could understand Applejack perfectly.

"Your cutie mark. It's some kind of red and silver doohickey. It's clearly some kind of tool, but I don't know what it does."

"Ah." He didn't need to turn and look at it. He knew. "It's a multi-purpose tool. I can tell you all about it. Demonstrate if I can find one."

"That's useful." Applejack looked pleased. "You look like a mighty useful pony to know."

"Why, thank you, Ms Apple. That's mighty kind of you. Do you have anything around the farm that might need to be repaired? I would certainly be happy to have a look at it for you."

"It's funny you should say that ..."

It wasn't long before Applejack had found a Swiss Army knife. She frowned at it. "I don't know where that came from."

Apple Bloom limped up to her big sister. "I think I've got something stuck in my hoof," she said. "I can't get it out."

"Allow me," said MacGyver, wielding the Swiss Army knife with amazing dexterity, considering he was using hoofs rather than hands.

And after much repairing of items as only Mac can, and much eating of apple pies, it was time for him to meet Pinkie. The pony who owned the hot air balloon and other flying contraptions.

With her curly mane and incessant chatter, Pinkie reminded him of someone but he wasn't quite sure who. He wished he could remember. Even the alliteration in the name Pinkie Pie seemed oddly familiar.

He almost made the mistake of underestimating her. But Mac soon found out that Pinkamena Diane Pie was not only a savvy business-pony but also a powerful diplomat who had prevented war between Equestria and YakYakistan.

"I was not," she confessed, "so successful at making peace between Applejack's Appleloosan relatives and the buffalo. Although it all worked out in the end. Thanks to the deliciousness of apple pies. The edible type, not the members of the Apple and Pie families."

"Your names do confuse me," Mac confessed.

"The Apple family names are very confusing," said Pinkie. "Just remember, don't try to eat any ponies. Even if you become a vampire bat." This seemed to greatly amuse her.

"I'd like to go to Appleloosa one day," Mac said.

"We will go there one day," she assured him.

"How can you be so sure?"

She looked surprised. "I can sometimes predict the future. Although, this is the first time that I have foreseen anything like this. My ability to forecast anything other than immediate incidents is usually only good for predicting birthday gifts."

"You saved those construction workers that one time," Fluttershy reminded her.

Pinkie giggled. "Yes. Yes, I did. I felt very happy about that."

"Was the accident caused by someone having faked inspection reports?" Mac asked.

Pinkie looked puzzled. "I don't think we ever found out. Mayor Mare might know. I could ask her when I next help her out with filing records?"

"Never mind," said Mac. "Tell me how your party cannon works. It could be useful."

"Huh?" said Pinkie. "Useful? They're fun."

"Um, yes, fun," said Mac. "Lots of fun. And I would love to know how it works. In case it breaks down and I have to repair it."

"Oh," said Pinkie. "It's pretty simple. Basic physics. You put the confetti in here. This thing squishes down the confetti. Then, when you're ready, just use this button to push it out. I never go anywhere without one."

"Never? Anywhere?"

"Never. I'm even taking it with me to the Science and Sci-Fi and Fantasy Fayre in Canterlot next week."

"The what Fayre?"

"Science and Sci-Fi and Fantasy. It was just a Sci-Fi and Fantasy Fayre, but Princess Twilight thought it should be more educational. She's reading a paper there, but she says she will have plenty of time for the Daring-Do fan stuff."

"And are you interested in science?" asked Mac. "I am interested in science!"

"Me too!" squealed Pinkie. "Although, to be fair, I'm mainly going there because of the cosplay." She left the room for a moment and returned wearing a fake moustache.

"I love that!" exclaimed Mac. "Do you have one to spare?"

"Of course I do! Fake moustaches all round! You can keep that one. If you really like it, Twilight will probably be able to cast a spell to give you a real moustache."

"Hmmm," said Mac. "That might be fun. I will think about that."

Fluttershy did not want to go to the Science and Sci-fi and Fantasy Fayre. "But Pinkie's sister Maud will be there. There's supposed to be a very famous moon rock on display. And Rainbow Dash is going for the Daring-Do stuff."

"Applejack?" asked Mac, trying not to sound too eager.

"It's not really her cup of tea," said Fluttershy. "But she's going along too as she hasn't seen Maud for a while."

Mac woke up, wondering if he should grow a moustache. Pete wasn't keen on the idea, but Pete was not the boss of Mac, except in the literal sense of being Mac's boss.

Pete phoned at around midday. He spoke of how the Phoenix Foundation had been awarded a lucrative contract to guard some valuable geological samples that would be on display at a science exhibition. "Oh, and Penny phoned."

"Penny? As in Penny Parker?"

"The one and only. She tried ringing your place, got no answer. She wants to come and visit you. She's got a new phone number. But I told her you would be busy with the security arrangements that week."

"Oh well," said Mac. "She'll be back again soon, no doubt. She can tell me her new number then." And he made plans to go to the pool with Billy, giving no further thought to Penny.

It was a busy day, involving swimming, goofing around, table hockey, making a cake and more fun stuff. Mac fell asleep very soon after his head made contact with the pillow.

He found himself at the Science, Sci-Fi and Fantasy Fayre in Canterlot.

Maud sniffed at the moon rock.

"It's a fake," she announced, calmly.

"Are you sure?" asked Mac.

"Maud knows her rocks," replied Rainbow Dash, Spike, Pinkie, Twilight and Applejack, in unison.

"I have a rocktorate," said Maud, in a monotone. "I'm very, very proud of having come from a humble farming background and reached the peak of academia."

"We're so proud," said Pinkie, cartwheeling past with pompoms and streamers.

"I have published fewer papers than Twilight Sparkle," continued Maud. "But I have written more poems than she has."

"And you know the amazing thing?" squeaked Pinkie. "All her papers and poems are about rocks!"

Mac said, "I would love to know if this moon rock is real or not. But I don't know how to find out for certain."

"Maud is an expert," said Pinkie.

"But I need a rational, logical explanation!" insisted Mac.

"Our moon is studded with diamonds," said Twilight. "I don't think that is so where you live?"

"It definitely isn't."

"So, if the gems in this rock aren't real diamonds, then it shows that the rock is a fake?"

"That makes sense," said Mac.

"I wish Rarity were here," said Twilight. "She would know if it was a real diamond or not."

"But she's not," said Pinkie. "Rara and Sapphire Shores are keeping her really busy, with their joint concert tour."

"But it'll be worth it," said Twilight. "They'll let the Ponytones join them on stage if Rarity completes the order on time."

"How do we find out if the rock is fake?" asked Pinkie, still cartwheeling. She managed to knock into the rock. "Oops," she said, in real consternation. "One of the sparkly bits has fallen off. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," said Mac. "Let's take this little gem back to the visitors' quarters of the castle and do some science."

Back in the suite of rooms in which they were staying, Mac took a magnifying glass out of one of his pockets. He peered at the gem which had fallen off the supposed moon rock. "It looks very regular, no imperfections that I can make out."

"Just like a diamond!" squeaked Pinkie. "Oh dear, I damaged a real moon rock."

"No, Pinkie. Very unlike a real diamond." Mac blew on the magnifying glass and on the gem. "You see how the surface of the magnifying glass has fogged up with condensation ... and so has the gem."

"Yes ..."

"More proof that it's not a real diamond. Has anyone got any reading material?"

Twilight produced an old copy of the _Foal Free Press_.

"What?" Rainbow Dash was giving her a look. "There are some really interesting articles in it! No, I didn't notice the one about me and Spike." Twilight was looking somewhat embarrassed.

"O-kay."

"Now, look through the gem at the writing underneath it," said Mac.

Twilight frowned, and started reading the article.

"My point," said Mac, "is that you can see right through the gem to the writing beneath. But, just to be certain, I have a couple more tests. Could someone bring me two glasses of water?"

"Certainly."

Mac drank the first glass of water. "Thanks, this is thirsty work." Now, for my next trick ..." He dropped the gem into the second glass. It floated.

"Now, for my grand finale ... has anyone got a candle?"

Twilight produced one. "Do you want Spike to light it for you?"

"That would be great, thank you. Now, Twilight, can you hold the gem right above the flame for half a minute and then drop it into the second glass of water."

"Okay-dokie," said Twilight.

The heated gem dropped into the water and then cracks started appearing.

"Totally not a real diamond," said Pinkie.

"Couldn't you have just done that test to start with?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"That wouldn't have been nearly as much fun," said Mac.

"Or nearly as educational!" said Twilight.

"So, it's a fake moon rock," said Rainbow Dash. "Who would even do that?"

"I told you it was a fake," said Maud.

"I'm sorry for doubting you," said Mac.

"That's okay," said Maud.

"It takes me a while to work things out," explained Mac. "I had the disadvantage of growing up on an apple farm rather than a rock farm!"

"We might be related!" squealed Pinkie Pie.

"That is very exciting news," said Maud, in a monotone. "I would like it if we turned out to be related."

"We must trace the villain to his lair," said Rainbow Dash.

"Who is the villain?" asked Mac.

Twilight led everyone to the library, consulted a few books and announced that this looked like the work of arch-villains Dandy-Lion and Burdoc. They were arch-villains known to be in league with Flim and Flam. Dandy-Lion, who had some lion genes, was known for wearing elegant suits and having an immaculately coiffed mane. Burdoc liked dressing up.

"It can't be Dandy-Lion," said Maud. "He was captured last year, remember?"

"It must be Burdoc!" said Twilight. "We must trace him to his lair."

"Where's that?" asked Mac.

"I happen to have a map that shows his lair." Twilight sounded very proud.

"How did you get that?" asked Pinkie.

"Oh, it fell off a passing hot air balloon."

"Whaaaat?"

"Apparently, a lot of hot air balloons get patched up with maps these days. Especially maps that have been stolen from villains that reveal their secret plans."

"That is very improbable," said MacGyver.

"Seriously?" said Twilight, looking right at him. "I can't believe you, of all ponies, just said that."

They caught a train to the nearest town and travelled the rest of the way on hoof or by wing.

They reached Burdoc's lair. Everypony crept into his innermost sanctum, where the real moon rock was shining.

"Ah," said Burdoc, casting off an elaborate disguise. "Rainbow Dash and some other ponies. You present no threat to me."

Rainbow Dash was not happy, but said nothing. She needed to conserve her energy for their escape.

"Why did you steal the moon rock?" asked Pinkie.

"World domination, what do you think?" asked Burdoc. He had changed into another disguise and slightly resembled a ghost. "With this moon rock and the other items on my to-steal list, I will be able to cast a powerful spell and turn Princess Luna back into Nightmare Moon."

"That's bad?" whispered Mac.

"Yes, unless you hate daylight," replied Twilight.

"I like daylight," said Mac.

"Why are you dressed as a ghost?" Pinkie asked.

"Because diamonds are a ghoul's best friend," said Burdoc, throwing off the disguise.

"That is a pun," said Maud. "Ha ha. I was moderately amused by it."

Burdoc was about to tie everybody up and lock them in a dungeon, but Pinkie set off her party cannon. This distracted Burdoc and he started sneezing uncontrollably.

"Who told you about my confetti allergy?" he demanded.

"I thought everybody knew," said Pinkie, as she bounced away.

Burdoc cursed, and then tripped on confetti and started cursing and sneezing even more.

Mac, Maud, Pinkie and Applejack ran towards the edge of a cliff. "It's the only way down!" said Twilight. She and and Rainbow Dash flew to the ground. Mac peered cautiously down. It was almost a sheer drop. Mac felt nauseated just looking at it and his front hoofs started to sweat. "I hate heights," he said.

Pinkie started climbing down using anti-gravity boots. Maud was moving so fast that Mac couldn't see whether she was using anti-gravity boots or not.

Applejack, nimble as ever, bounded down like a goat.

A goat! "Nice dream," muttered Mac, to himself. "Nice dream." And lo and behold, he turned back into a goat. He confidently bounded down the mountain, before resuming equine form.

"I've got his to-steal list," said Pinkie. "He was too busy sneezing to notice that I took it. We should get Celestia to make sure these items are closely guarded until Burdoc is captured."

"Did anyone bring the real moon rock?" Mac asked.

"I did!" Twilight was telekinetically "holding" the rock a few inches away from her horn, as unicorns do.

"As unicorns do," Mac muttered to himself, as he woke up. "As unicorns do."

He reached for the phone. "Pete? Pete? Do you still have Penny's number? You do? Phone Penny and tell her I've changed her mind. The week of the exhibition would be a perfect time for her to visit. How do I know?"

Good question.

"Call it male intuition or something. Yes, Pete, I know I'm not making much sense. But just trust me on this one."


End file.
